Wednesday Confessional

it's been a while since i've done one of these, but 'ere we go....


i love opera, i mean, type-into-youtube-and-play-videos-on-repeat-for-hours type love. pavarotti's "nessun dorma" is my all time faves, and shares the same shelf in my heart where Lauryn Hill's "Miseducation," Joni Mitchell's "Clouds," and Aretha's entire catalogue sit. in fact, on some days, he edges out them all.

i wore pink & yellow today, and dad-gummit, i almost liked it. i'm saying, the pink was like the hottest of magenta, and the yellow coulda made butter curdle. i felt like malibu barbie, without the castrated perma-tan boyfriend and pink convertible. but, lo-and-behold, i was turning heads left and right, probably because i looked like the modern reincarnation of the lollipop guild.

though i have always spoken english, when i was younger i had the thickest filipino accent. well, maybe not the thickest, but it was pretty damn FOB-ulous. if you watch a few home videos, i have a couple moments where i exchange my F's for P's. hoy vey.

i'm a neurotic foot picker. i can't stop, won't stop, eh eh, eh eh.

after my room-mate used all my neutrogena body wash while i was in germany (and you know...YOU KNOW...that isht is expensive!), in retaliation, i stole her mac mascara. it is still sitting in the bottom of my oversized blue work bag. and i have no regrets.

i don't get what the huge thing is about kate moss. i mean, seriously, what is it? i've been waiting since the mid-90's to have someone explain it to me.

i don't know if anything makes my heart leap with the joy quite like the prospect of drinking a hearty glass of red wine and purchasing books on half.com. i mean, you think i'd find more productive, cost-efficient ways of expressing my inebriation, but no. the best i can do is display the huge, capitalistic nerd i am.

i wear spongebob and power puff girls underwear. this is my "last line of defense:" the underwear i resort to when all the other pairs are festering in the hamper. i bought them from the little girl's section at target when i was in high school (and could easily fit into them), and boy, are they constricting now!

I need a hot breakfast in the morning. I've never been a cereal person...cold oats and milk in the morning just doesn't appeal to me...even if there are marshmallows involved. I'm just not the same without some semblance of fried eggs, bacon, biscuits, or sausage in my system.

good morning, vietnam!

after months of
saving
and procrastinating
and anticipating
and deliberating..



of preparation
and contemplation
and hesitation...



it's now superofficial.



i'm going to vietnam.

to teach english, the language i love
and have studied
and picked apart
and put together
and inspected
and rejoiced in
since i can remember.

to share that language
in a beautiful country
so similar to the one i grew up in, but still
so different.




a country that has been piecing together it's identity
for the past 32 years,
that now
more than ever
is finally on the edge of a breakthrough.





and i will be one
who can dig her heels into it
to sleep deep in it
to be lonely
and remorseful
and joyful
and peaceful
and new
in it.



because of the way i grew up
essentially,
with one foot perpetually
out the proverbial door,
exploring new land has always been
an obsession of mine.



and here, new land
which hopefully will bring with it
new work
new poems
new essays
new dreams
and a new,
and much needed,
assesment of what my purpose is,
what my talents are,
and what, exactly, i was put on earth
to give.



because that's what it's all about, isn't it?

but i can not forget all the things i lose
and as the days until my departure
dwindle down,
these things will become more immediate
more prominent
and more indispensable.


for a year i will be without
my mom's cooking,
my father's humor,
my boyfriend's hands,
my brother's vivacity.
12 months when i will not be able to
understand street signs, or
read the local newspaper,
trudge through snow or
drive my own car.



the absence of these things
will be heavy
and, undoubtedly,
i will doubt
whether i'm strong enough
to carry them.

but i must.
because i said so.


because i have said yes to this path,
after identifying it,
and after realizing that,
at the end of this journey,
i will have found something
truly
invaluable.

though what, exactly
i have yet
to find out.